i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
