Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
