i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
