I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
