when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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