Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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