I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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