girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
