mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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