Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
