I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
