Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
