Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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