hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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