The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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