Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
