I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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