im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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