everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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