Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
