i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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