So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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