He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
