Jerry, you need to find god
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
