I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
