There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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