In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
