Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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