I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
