i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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