the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
