You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
