Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
