youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
MIDGETS
????
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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