butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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