I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
