For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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