Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
