Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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