he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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