I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I will pee on everything he values.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
