I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
