Swine flu is the new snow day.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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