im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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