Can Purell be used as lube?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We left the knife in your bed.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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