matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
