So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
