hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
