i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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