I faked an abortion last night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
