Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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