my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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