I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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