So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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