Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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