just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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