tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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