Three words: puerto rican gang bang
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
