Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
