he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it glows. i had to have it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
