im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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