barbara walters just said penis...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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