my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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