Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're a waste of cheezeits
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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