Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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