There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
