Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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