I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
