I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
