You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
