That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize