Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
