GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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